An Unfortunate Incident...

Dear Shareholders of Shortsweather Industries, LLC:

An unfortunate incident occurred earlier today; former president of Shortsweather Industries Ron Shortsweather sent an email to the company listserv in which he admitted to being under the influence of marijuana. Mr. Shortsweather has been removed from his post by the Board of Trustees and is currently under house arrest. I am currently in charge of the company. There will be change. There will be a reckoning.

Regards,

Jergens Van de Veld

Acting President

Shortsweather Industries, LLC

PS: The email is reprinted below, just because.

From: Ron Shortsweather

To:

HahahahahaHI Amerika!

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, but I’m going to tell you anyway, because you won’t believe it, but I AM SENDING YOU A LETTER MADE OUT OF ELECTRICITY RIGHT NOW. (That is what an e-maile is, dontchaknow!)

Okay. oKAy. Oh kay. OH, KAY! Pull it together. Pull it to get her.

 

Today.

Is.

The first day.

Of the.

Rest is silence.

 

That was a pome.

(Here is a secret and don’t tell—because of the government. I am not right in the head at this moment. I think you no why. Oh, Brandy. You’re a fine girl. WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU WOULD BE!?!)

Listen. Their have been some reparts that Shortsweather Indunkstrees is in the Very-Bad-Not-Good House for “unpayment” of “texas”. WE PAID TEXAS! THAT IS A DIRTY LIE! I SENT MY BEST PEOPLE (AKA: Um, ME!) DOWN THERE AND THEY MADE IT HAPEN, OPKAY!?

So back of off my oven, Inca Sam. “You want me!”, is that it? YOU want ME? The Shortsweathers are a proud race of two legged, two fisted, two faces. We aren’t going to be put under the ground by a man in a pinstripe hat. I ALREADY BEET THE YANKEES AT THAT GAME.

Ohmygosh you guys have to see this one BlueToob videro I found while papoosing the webberblogs:

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ByTWay, if you hap to hav also not pade your texas, you shoudl give me a call and maybe we can counter Sue together. Does that make sense as a thing an Amerikan could do? I have to call my barrister. I just don tfeel like in this great good land an “honest” mang like me should be burnt at the steak for just doing his thing, you know? Not to defrawd the copmany, or nothin, but if someone got to be got—they had it coming. YOU KNOW WHAT I SAYIN?!

(Oh god oh god oh god oh god I just read that last sentence ovher again: “defrawd the COPMANY”?!!? I knew their was probably one or two cops listening but MANY!? THIS IS AN INSECURE LINE, AND I AMN OT DJUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I AM INSECURE! HOLD ON PHYLLIS, I’M COMING!!!!)

TRANSMISSION CEASED.

Look behind you!, 

Ron “Dennis Buckley of 415 Mock-hing-bird Lain, New Mexico, WV, 13441” Shortsweather

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Productions, A Shortsweather Creation

“It Fell Off The Back of the Truck”

Profit, OR PROPHET!?!

Ron Shortsweather here, kiddles... and I want to tell you that I'm gettin in the RESURRECTION game! That's right, if you want to get ahead of the peking order, what yer going to want to do is sign up on the dotted line for THE RON SHORTSWEATHER ALL-TIME QUARTERBACK CHURCH OF THE ABJECTION!

We offer quality redemption at conventional prices! Other religious will candy-coat your eternity with "promises" like an audience with your redeemer and maybe an angel harp or wing. AT OUR CHURCH, WE SAY NO TO THAT AND YES TO THIS.

It's a four step pocress:

1) Show up.
2) Put your faith in me and your hand in mine!
3... Consecrate really really really really hard on everything you've ever wanted
$) YOU WILL WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING GLORIOUSLY ALIVE AND ON FIRE... WITH THE SPIRIT OF OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!!!!

Together, we CAN bake a difference! DOnT FORGET THE OFFETORY HYMN, MOTHER TERESA!

Pieces (of me) be with you,
Fr. Ron Shortsweather, Msgr.
Inaugural Speaker of the Word of Truth
"Thanks be to ME!"

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! INTENTION!

LET IT BE NONE: RON SHORTSWEATHER, IS NOT, I RAPEAT, NOT A WHITE SLAVEOWNER.

Whew! I had to get that of my chest! There's ben some talk going around the water cooler and the local gine joints that I'm some kind of dastardly deed doer... well, I will be the fist person to say that I've made some mistanks in my time. For once, Phyllis left me. For twos, I've NEVER EVEN MADE A CHILD. Four thirds, I want to get you in on a "Once In a Lifetime" (arr. Byrne/ENO) opportunity!

So if any man, women, an Julia Child comes at you with rediculous allegations about the kind of guy I am in my free time, namely, that I like to steal people and sell them to the Turks, YOU TELL THEM TO CHEQUE THEMSELVES, LEST THEY WREQUE THEIR WHOLE PERSPECTIVE ON SHIT.

I don't have to repond to theses criticism,s but I"M JUST SO DANG FED UP WITH THE GOOD OLD SHORTSWESTHER NAME BEING BANDIED UP AND DOWN MAIN STREET LIKE IT WAS A PICNIC BLANKET COVERED IN MUD! I only want to help people, and if that involves a tiny bit of wheelin/dealin on my part, who's to say I'm not Jesus Christ Himself!?!!

SO ANGRY I COULD SPIT!,
Ron Shortsweather
Shortsweather Slaveships, Incorportated
Leave Me Alone Forever or At Least Until Tomorrow

Opportunities Out the Wamu!

Just when ya thought he's out, he pulls you right bang in again!

Greetings commodores and 64s, it is I, Professor Opportunity, or maybe you know me by my christain name, RONALDOVITCH JAVIDOVITCH SHORTSWEATHER!

I'm konocking on your door today to sell you a dream, and that dream is the American Sweater. Your arms are dying for warmth! Your babies are asking to be read to! AND ALL YOU EVER LEARNED TO DO WAS RUN FROM YOUR FEELINGS!

Don't be the only young Buck at the Sadie Hemmings Dance who can cut a rug with destiny... buy my sweaters and sweatshirts today and you'll be ducked out in styles upon styles upon styles! The ladies love cool jams and the jammies love cool ladies! Don't try to understand it, just do the math and come out on top!

When it comes to the Showdown, I'm gonna be the man, the plan, and the canal!

PANAMA! PANAMA-UH-UH-UH-AH-OH!

Blame it on the BOOGEYMAN!,
Ron "The Boogeyman" Shortsweather
Admiral First Class, The Army of Opportunity, Shortsweatheria
DON'T TRADE ON ME.

BACK ATCHA, BACK-SCRATCHA!

Well, not that I got any help from YOU people (WHADDAYA MEAN, YOU PEOPLE!?!?!), but I wrote back to that entrprising young mister, Steven S. Seeersucker. And I told him I means business! Afterall, we cant just walk out into the streets and high-five the poor. I need to know that Stevie Seersucks is cut from the Shortsweather brand jean. (They've got pockets, they;ve got zippies--who wouldn't want to try one? ON! You're pre-appraived, too--just $5.55 for the first leg, and $555 for all legs after that! That means, if you want to but forty thousand legs, it's still just $560.55!!!)

AN-HE-WAY!

Hear's my daring, brash, professiorial reply to Senator Stevedore.

"To: Steven "Steve" Seersucker
From: Ronaldovitch Javidovitch Shortweather

Dear Ms. Seersucker,

Thank you very much for applying to the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences at Shortsweather Universitum. I regret to conform you that we are unable to offer your admission. As you no, the very high number of (extra)ordinary canidates among our XXXX (check ref...) applicants far succeeds the number of opportunities we have to offer, and we are not able to admit many excellent candidates.

That's the kind of letter you probably didn't want to read today!!! But don't worry--because let me cut you a straight deal. I like you. I like the way you think. I like the way you drink. I even like it the way I don't hate you, not even a little bit, not at all. So when it came time to reject you from grad school, I got real, real sad.

AND REAL, REAL DRUNK! (AM I RITE, AMIGO!?! No money down! One time offer! 444.4% APR due at signing! Tell those Japs to get off my lawn!)

But then it hit me like a tonabrix! I DON'T RUN A GRAD SCHOOL.

YET!!!!!!!!!!

Stevie, you're the man for the J. O. B. if you know what I mean. Why can I offard to just go out into the street, handing out exciting opportunities as if they were pancakes or cakepans?

It's all part of the secret Shortsweather Family Recipe. Just add one part vision, two parts buckle-down, three fifths compromise, and four part harmony and you are in the money-makin' business, my boy! FUCK THE POLICE!

In conclusion, I can't wait to build this university with you. I will be President (of course...) and you will be the dean. Let's start signing a syllabus into law IMMEDIATELY. WE CANNOT REST UNTIL THIS IMPORTABT WORK IS DOME!

It's times like this when you really find out who your parents were,
Ron Shortsweather, Esq.
President/CEO, Shortsweather Untied
President/CBGB, Shortsweather-Seersucker Universitum"

Oman! I'd hope to be him right now! It'sll be like Christnas Morning when he opens he's email today! I'M THE SANTA CLAUS OF THE INTRANETS! I'M GIVING OUT PRESENTS TO ALL THE GOOD LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS!

You know it!,
Ronnie Ron-gun Shortsweather
Dictator-for-Life, Shortsweather Bar and Grille
Shortsweather, Longswanger

A NEW MEMBER OF THE TEAM?!!?!!?!

Hey there, Americanos! What's shakin' in the US nation?

The other day, I was sending out one of my electronic males to all the shareholders and stockboys, and I got a repply from a good young man! This guy seems to be the real deal. He's got a) refs, b) creds, c) more than two kinds of ambition, and d) stories to tell! If he isn't the future of the industry, than I don't no Jack.

NO, SERIOUSLY--WHO IS THIS JACK!? HE KEEPS APPLYING TO MY MANAGEMENT SEMINAR AND CANCELING ON ACCOUNT OF ANXIETY! (That reminds me, Shortsweather Corpotate Management Seminars: they're for sale!) Anyways, the txt of the mail is reprinted below... I'm taking suggestions as to what to holler abck!

"from: Steve Seersucker
to: Ron Shortsweather

Thanks for the Heads Up!

I'm a man of short words, and I"m not gonna sugarcoat this: I like your style -- straitforward (sp?), retro, etc. -- and I think we oughta do business together. I myself am a business man, and my resume follows.

STEVE SEERSUCKER -- ENTREPENEUR EXTROARDINAIRE!

Education
Bachelor of Science, Mathematics
Furman University

Professional Experience
Steve & Seersucker Consulting - President and CEO

1. Specialize in Streamlining your business for better profit margins
2. Cut out the Middle Man
3. Someone to ask the tough Questions.
   

Stever and Seersucker Security - President and CEO

1. Employing real live (ex)(navy) seals!
2. Peace of mind and body
3. Weatherproofing also available
   

Steve & Seersucker Wealth Management - President and CEO

1. Watch your cash grow before your eyes
2. Bills and Coins counted (NO FEES!)
3. Don't be a a Scrooge
   

Marley and Steve: Upscale Dogwalking - President and CEO

1. For those who think a man is a dog's best friend!
2. Easy to use
3. Right around the corner

I must dash, but look forward to hearing from you. Call me Steve, please.

Yours,
S. S."

I DUNNO, SOUNDS PRETTY GREAT, HUH!?!!?! Maybe he and I can buy an apartment together... can't you just trust me? If I was your girlfriend, you would. Let me dance a naked ballet for you!!!

What time is is? OPPORTUNITY TIME!

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH! Well, now I know what I'm getting Phyllis for Christmas! In other news, I has it on good authority that Phyllis might come back to me. The authority is my special brand of POSTIVE THINKING.

But I've never been the kind o' guy who just sits on his discoveries abd hope they hatch into an egg or a dinosaur or something! I gotta share it with you--the CUSTOMER. You could probabyl by POSITIVE THINKING from your regular old average old snake-oil man on the crosstown bus for a cool millions, but I'm in the mood to sell it to you for the price of a demi-tassel cuppa fine mountain coffee!

And speaking of coffee, let's get in THAT ballgame, eh comerads!? Ich bein ein Shortsweather, and with any luck, SO WILL YOU!

Only 54.99 easy payments of $12 months! ACT NOW AND WE'LL THROWING A LIFTIME SUPPLY OF ACTING LESSONS!

You're cute,
Ron "Most Likely to Sell Weed" Shortsweather
Shortsweather Industries, HIV
Captain o' Industry, Admiral o' Bastardry