An Unfortunate Incident...

Dear Shareholders of Shortsweather Industries, LLC:

An unfortunate incident occurred earlier today; former president of Shortsweather Industries Ron Shortsweather sent an email to the company listserv in which he admitted to being under the influence of marijuana. Mr. Shortsweather has been removed from his post by the Board of Trustees and is currently under house arrest. I am currently in charge of the company. There will be change. There will be a reckoning.

Regards,

Jergens Van de Veld

Acting President

Shortsweather Industries, LLC

PS: The email is reprinted below, just because.

From: Ron Shortsweather

To:

HahahahahaHI Amerika!

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, but I’m going to tell you anyway, because you won’t believe it, but I AM SENDING YOU A LETTER MADE OUT OF ELECTRICITY RIGHT NOW. (That is what an e-maile is, dontchaknow!)

Okay. oKAy. Oh kay. OH, KAY! Pull it together. Pull it to get her.

 

Today.

Is.

The first day.

Of the.

Rest is silence.

 

That was a pome.

(Here is a secret and don’t tell—because of the government. I am not right in the head at this moment. I think you no why. Oh, Brandy. You’re a fine girl. WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU WOULD BE!?!)

Listen. Their have been some reparts that Shortsweather Indunkstrees is in the Very-Bad-Not-Good House for “unpayment” of “texas”. WE PAID TEXAS! THAT IS A DIRTY LIE! I SENT MY BEST PEOPLE (AKA: Um, ME!) DOWN THERE AND THEY MADE IT HAPEN, OPKAY!?

So back of off my oven, Inca Sam. “You want me!”, is that it? YOU want ME? The Shortsweathers are a proud race of two legged, two fisted, two faces. We aren’t going to be put under the ground by a man in a pinstripe hat. I ALREADY BEET THE YANKEES AT THAT GAME.

Ohmygosh you guys have to see this one BlueToob videro I found while papoosing the webberblogs:

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ByTWay, if you hap to hav also not pade your texas, you shoudl give me a call and maybe we can counter Sue together. Does that make sense as a thing an Amerikan could do? I have to call my barrister. I just don tfeel like in this great good land an “honest” mang like me should be burnt at the steak for just doing his thing, you know? Not to defrawd the copmany, or nothin, but if someone got to be got—they had it coming. YOU KNOW WHAT I SAYIN?!

(Oh god oh god oh god oh god I just read that last sentence ovher again: “defrawd the COPMANY”?!!? I knew their was probably one or two cops listening but MANY!? THIS IS AN INSECURE LINE, AND I AMN OT DJUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I AM INSECURE! HOLD ON PHYLLIS, I’M COMING!!!!)

TRANSMISSION CEASED.

Look behind you!, 

Ron “Dennis Buckley of 415 Mock-hing-bird Lain, New Mexico, WV, 13441” Shortsweather

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Productions, A Shortsweather Creation

“It Fell Off The Back of the Truck”