Profit, OR PROPHET!?!

Ron Shortsweather here, kiddles... and I want to tell you that I'm gettin in the RESURRECTION game! That's right, if you want to get ahead of the peking order, what yer going to want to do is sign up on the dotted line for THE RON SHORTSWEATHER ALL-TIME QUARTERBACK CHURCH OF THE ABJECTION!

We offer quality redemption at conventional prices! Other religious will candy-coat your eternity with "promises" like an audience with your redeemer and maybe an angel harp or wing. AT OUR CHURCH, WE SAY NO TO THAT AND YES TO THIS.

It's a four step pocress:

1) Show up.
2) Put your faith in me and your hand in mine!
3... Consecrate really really really really hard on everything you've ever wanted
$) YOU WILL WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING GLORIOUSLY ALIVE AND ON FIRE... WITH THE SPIRIT OF OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!!!!

Together, we CAN bake a difference! DOnT FORGET THE OFFETORY HYMN, MOTHER TERESA!

Pieces (of me) be with you,
Fr. Ron Shortsweather, Msgr.
Inaugural Speaker of the Word of Truth
"Thanks be to ME!"

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! INTENTION!

LET IT BE NONE: RON SHORTSWEATHER, IS NOT, I RAPEAT, NOT A WHITE SLAVEOWNER.

Whew! I had to get that of my chest! There's ben some talk going around the water cooler and the local gine joints that I'm some kind of dastardly deed doer... well, I will be the fist person to say that I've made some mistanks in my time. For once, Phyllis left me. For twos, I've NEVER EVEN MADE A CHILD. Four thirds, I want to get you in on a "Once In a Lifetime" (arr. Byrne/ENO) opportunity!

So if any man, women, an Julia Child comes at you with rediculous allegations about the kind of guy I am in my free time, namely, that I like to steal people and sell them to the Turks, YOU TELL THEM TO CHEQUE THEMSELVES, LEST THEY WREQUE THEIR WHOLE PERSPECTIVE ON SHIT.

I don't have to repond to theses criticism,s but I"M JUST SO DANG FED UP WITH THE GOOD OLD SHORTSWESTHER NAME BEING BANDIED UP AND DOWN MAIN STREET LIKE IT WAS A PICNIC BLANKET COVERED IN MUD! I only want to help people, and if that involves a tiny bit of wheelin/dealin on my part, who's to say I'm not Jesus Christ Himself!?!!

SO ANGRY I COULD SPIT!,
Ron Shortsweather
Shortsweather Slaveships, Incorportated
Leave Me Alone Forever or At Least Until Tomorrow

Opportunities Out the Wamu!

Just when ya thought he's out, he pulls you right bang in again!

Greetings commodores and 64s, it is I, Professor Opportunity, or maybe you know me by my christain name, RONALDOVITCH JAVIDOVITCH SHORTSWEATHER!

I'm konocking on your door today to sell you a dream, and that dream is the American Sweater. Your arms are dying for warmth! Your babies are asking to be read to! AND ALL YOU EVER LEARNED TO DO WAS RUN FROM YOUR FEELINGS!

Don't be the only young Buck at the Sadie Hemmings Dance who can cut a rug with destiny... buy my sweaters and sweatshirts today and you'll be ducked out in styles upon styles upon styles! The ladies love cool jams and the jammies love cool ladies! Don't try to understand it, just do the math and come out on top!

When it comes to the Showdown, I'm gonna be the man, the plan, and the canal!

PANAMA! PANAMA-UH-UH-UH-AH-OH!

Blame it on the BOOGEYMAN!,
Ron "The Boogeyman" Shortsweather
Admiral First Class, The Army of Opportunity, Shortsweatheria
DON'T TRADE ON ME.