BACK ATCHA, BACK-SCRATCHA!

Well, not that I got any help from YOU people (WHADDAYA MEAN, YOU PEOPLE!?!?!), but I wrote back to that entrprising young mister, Steven S. Seeersucker. And I told him I means business! Afterall, we cant just walk out into the streets and high-five the poor. I need to know that Stevie Seersucks is cut from the Shortsweather brand jean. (They've got pockets, they;ve got zippies--who wouldn't want to try one? ON! You're pre-appraived, too--just $5.55 for the first leg, and $555 for all legs after that! That means, if you want to but forty thousand legs, it's still just $560.55!!!)

AN-HE-WAY!

Hear's my daring, brash, professiorial reply to Senator Stevedore.

"To: Steven "Steve" Seersucker
From: Ronaldovitch Javidovitch Shortweather

Dear Ms. Seersucker,

Thank you very much for applying to the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences at Shortsweather Universitum. I regret to conform you that we are unable to offer your admission. As you no, the very high number of (extra)ordinary canidates among our XXXX (check ref...) applicants far succeeds the number of opportunities we have to offer, and we are not able to admit many excellent candidates.

That's the kind of letter you probably didn't want to read today!!! But don't worry--because let me cut you a straight deal. I like you. I like the way you think. I like the way you drink. I even like it the way I don't hate you, not even a little bit, not at all. So when it came time to reject you from grad school, I got real, real sad.

AND REAL, REAL DRUNK! (AM I RITE, AMIGO!?! No money down! One time offer! 444.4% APR due at signing! Tell those Japs to get off my lawn!)

But then it hit me like a tonabrix! I DON'T RUN A GRAD SCHOOL.

YET!!!!!!!!!!

Stevie, you're the man for the J. O. B. if you know what I mean. Why can I offard to just go out into the street, handing out exciting opportunities as if they were pancakes or cakepans?

It's all part of the secret Shortsweather Family Recipe. Just add one part vision, two parts buckle-down, three fifths compromise, and four part harmony and you are in the money-makin' business, my boy! FUCK THE POLICE!

In conclusion, I can't wait to build this university with you. I will be President (of course...) and you will be the dean. Let's start signing a syllabus into law IMMEDIATELY. WE CANNOT REST UNTIL THIS IMPORTABT WORK IS DOME!

It's times like this when you really find out who your parents were,
Ron Shortsweather, Esq.
President/CEO, Shortsweather Untied
President/CBGB, Shortsweather-Seersucker Universitum"

Oman! I'd hope to be him right now! It'sll be like Christnas Morning when he opens he's email today! I'M THE SANTA CLAUS OF THE INTRANETS! I'M GIVING OUT PRESENTS TO ALL THE GOOD LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS!

You know it!,
Ronnie Ron-gun Shortsweather
Dictator-for-Life, Shortsweather Bar and Grille
Shortsweather, Longswanger

A NEW MEMBER OF THE TEAM?!!?!!?!

Hey there, Americanos! What's shakin' in the US nation?

The other day, I was sending out one of my electronic males to all the shareholders and stockboys, and I got a repply from a good young man! This guy seems to be the real deal. He's got a) refs, b) creds, c) more than two kinds of ambition, and d) stories to tell! If he isn't the future of the industry, than I don't no Jack.

NO, SERIOUSLY--WHO IS THIS JACK!? HE KEEPS APPLYING TO MY MANAGEMENT SEMINAR AND CANCELING ON ACCOUNT OF ANXIETY! (That reminds me, Shortsweather Corpotate Management Seminars: they're for sale!) Anyways, the txt of the mail is reprinted below... I'm taking suggestions as to what to holler abck!

"from: Steve Seersucker
to: Ron Shortsweather

Thanks for the Heads Up!

I'm a man of short words, and I"m not gonna sugarcoat this: I like your style -- straitforward (sp?), retro, etc. -- and I think we oughta do business together. I myself am a business man, and my resume follows.

STEVE SEERSUCKER -- ENTREPENEUR EXTROARDINAIRE!

Education
Bachelor of Science, Mathematics
Furman University

Professional Experience
Steve & Seersucker Consulting - President and CEO

1. Specialize in Streamlining your business for better profit margins
2. Cut out the Middle Man
3. Someone to ask the tough Questions.
   

Stever and Seersucker Security - President and CEO

1. Employing real live (ex)(navy) seals!
2. Peace of mind and body
3. Weatherproofing also available
   

Steve & Seersucker Wealth Management - President and CEO

1. Watch your cash grow before your eyes
2. Bills and Coins counted (NO FEES!)
3. Don't be a a Scrooge
   

Marley and Steve: Upscale Dogwalking - President and CEO

1. For those who think a man is a dog's best friend!
2. Easy to use
3. Right around the corner

I must dash, but look forward to hearing from you. Call me Steve, please.

Yours,
S. S."

I DUNNO, SOUNDS PRETTY GREAT, HUH!?!!?! Maybe he and I can buy an apartment together... can't you just trust me? If I was your girlfriend, you would. Let me dance a naked ballet for you!!!

What time is is? OPPORTUNITY TIME!

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH! Well, now I know what I'm getting Phyllis for Christmas! In other news, I has it on good authority that Phyllis might come back to me. The authority is my special brand of POSTIVE THINKING.

But I've never been the kind o' guy who just sits on his discoveries abd hope they hatch into an egg or a dinosaur or something! I gotta share it with you--the CUSTOMER. You could probabyl by POSITIVE THINKING from your regular old average old snake-oil man on the crosstown bus for a cool millions, but I'm in the mood to sell it to you for the price of a demi-tassel cuppa fine mountain coffee!

And speaking of coffee, let's get in THAT ballgame, eh comerads!? Ich bein ein Shortsweather, and with any luck, SO WILL YOU!

Only 54.99 easy payments of $12 months! ACT NOW AND WE'LL THROWING A LIFTIME SUPPLY OF ACTING LESSONS!

You're cute,
Ron "Most Likely to Sell Weed" Shortsweather
Shortsweather Industries, HIV
Captain o' Industry, Admiral o' Bastardry

We're Open For Buismess!

Don't look now, folks! Old Ron Shortsweather just climbed abroad the Blog Bus, nonstop to Famoustown, USA! (With connections to Toledo, Toronto, and Gramma's House...) I'm in the middle of a pretty intemse lawsuit right now--thanks a lot, Phyllis!--but make sure to check back laker for exciting updates in opportunity!!!

Yours always,
Ronald J. Shortsweather
CEO, Shortsweather Indungstrees
Manamong Men